How Self-Closure is Different Than Closure With An Ex

We are towards the end of April of 2020, and it seems we are not going anywhere anytime soon. We can protest, scream, and want to jump all we want, but we will still be in our homes waiting for the word of safety. During this time, I have enjoyed a few new hobbies such as redecorating my room, writing in my journal, and meditational walks. We are finding ways to be productive during this time. I even found a new interest that involved a cute guy I met at the grocery store.

Now, while this may be another quarantine love story to most, meaning it won’t last, it was a big step for me. It was a sign that wow, we are finally getting ready to move on and let go. I ended a four-year relationship entirely at the beginning of January, and it was a novel of chaos. From wondering if he still thought about me to debating if I should text him, I was a wreck. I am honest about that because breakups are not easy when you invested years and emotion into another person. So, my journey to healing wasn’t straight on at first. It took time, and 10 pounds for me to realize crying every day in secret while preparing a big event was not indeed healthy. Fast forward, we have the closure conversation, and it left so many questions in the air. If he was truly happy with this new girl? If we were really in love or an extended honeymoon phase? Questions that continued to linger in my mind from what was supposed to feel like closure.

These questions allowed him to continue to rent space in my mind and soul.

Two months in, I realized I didn’t want to be that girl. I didn’t want to be rescued by anyone or a damsel waiting to be saved from her pain. I had to rescue myself and peel myself off the floor. Wiping those tears and writing down positive affirmations and newfound goals to help keep my hope high. Yes, right, the vision I’ve had for my life may be different, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s terrible. Counting the number of friends I have surrounding me with love, the adventurous nights I’ve had, and even the fact I could fund my own life all reminded me that I am doing pretty well. So, what did I do next?

I started back into the dating app scene. Which led me nowhere, so be cautious about being hopeful. However, it helped me engage in flirtatious conversations again and feel in control of my energy. It reminded me that most men are also the same as before I was in a relationship, which helped me bring back my confidence that it’s okay to start dating again. I didn’t engage with anything outside of the apps with these men, but there was one guy who I grew an interest in. It was a mutual friend of my good friend, and she expressed how good of a guy he was. We chatted and shared phone dates throughout quarantine. A smile once came back into my life because I was enjoying a genuine conversation again.

At first, the fear and guilt factor came over me. But then I remembered and said to myself, this man is no longer allowed to rent space in my head. I deleted my Facebook recent searches; I deleted messages and hidden photos. Something came over me to recognize that you are healing, and it’s time to move forward. While I am not sure if it was the flirtation with a new guy or just the daily life enhancements that I have been doing, but something shifted. That’s what self-closure can feel like. It feels like a new wave flowing over you, and while you may be scared to accept it, the pain must be mended. You can not expect anyone to heal the pain they have caused. While it is appreciated, it is very rare. Just take it day by day and allow yourself to say, “It’s okay to have a bad day, but we will move forward.”

I hope you queens continually move forward from the pain you have been holding and to be the heroes to rescue yourself.

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