As I sit in this cafe with my mocha latte and this headache from this previous weekend’s festivities, I ask myself, “what are you doing?” I am having fun and trying to live my twenties to their fullest, but I’m caught in this weird tornado of emotions. I head out, dress-up, and make sure my looks are killing on the gram, but still feeling so empty.
I feel completely lost on if this is where I should be heading and if I should be allowing myself to constantly be guided by decisions made to make me feel less alone? Pretty deep, right? That’s the most honest I have been with myself, which was the hardest step to realize. Wow, you are an advocate for self-love, but you haven’t equipped yourself to love yourself.
This journey has been hard. I am a hopeless romantic who still believes that love exists with the same guy who spins her around every chance he gets. I still believe that I’ll be asked on a date by one of these guys I met at an event or a bar. I still believe that one day, I’ll find him and he probably is my best friend. However, I need to be real with myself. At this very moment, this man doesn’t exist. Period.
What does exist are, disc jockeys who only hit me up at 2 am when they’re local, and guys who only want the “Bad-Ass Queen” that I portray on Instagram. Don’t get me wrong, I am very much that woman, but there’s also this queen who, more often than not, also wants to stay home and cry to slow 90’s R& B. This has led me to consider, what does this self-love journey look like for those going through a broken heart?
I am intimately looking within myself and seeing all the things I have strayed away from. I have moved away from prayer, which used to be the way I would wake up and start my day. I moved away from working out every night, which has allowed my body to accumulate a major weight gain. I even stopped eating healthy, which scared me the most because my body & skin can feel it.
You can post quotes and selfies of you slaying on the gram, but what are you doing within? What are the conversations you are having within yourself? How are you allowing people to drain your energy? Why are you such an advocate for love when you don’t even love yourself, sis?
Again, all very honest questions within myself. It took me crying in my room and burning pictures to ask myself, “How has this chapter changed you?”
That was step-two to, realizing how I was letting this pain change me in ways that were not me. when I looked in the mirror, I saw pain. I didn’t see someone I admired, and I knew that was the main problem. Self-Love and heartbreak are two major challenges. Healing from the pain and trying to ignore the insecurities are hard. I remind myself to sit and breathe. To find me again. To find who I once was before the tornado picked me up and swept me into this unknown world. Also, the last tip to remember, you shouldn’t desire growth to be loved. You should accept growth to heal. That’s what self-love should be after a heartbreak.