In fall of 2016, I was going through a hard time. I was working part-time, trying to finish school. and still remain a super mom. This allowed me to pile on stress on top of stress. It felt like something was missing though. It occurred to me, I haven’t dated in awhile. Which led me to jump on the ever so trusty Tinder. Then low and behold I began dating again. I quickly met two guys, both nice, both attractive and both nerdy with goals. All of these meeting my preferences.
The first guy and I communicated for a bit. Amazingly, we seem to hit it off. The next step was a date. We both agreed to go on a date for frozen custard. During the date, we laughed and talked for 2 hours over custard. We even stopped by a local comic store to check out the comics and vintage games. By all accounts, it was a great date with a great guy. He drove over an hour to see me and even mentioned he would be willing to help me with my car. On paper he was what I have been looking for, all the major boxes where checked but one. He had most of the qualities I wanted in a partner, but I just was not into him.
I’ve been single for the past 10 years, so I know the spark can be misleading. Feeling that spark for someone is important when starting to date. When I see my partner, I want my whole day to brighten up. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach everytime we interact. I can’t wait to talk to him about my day. With this guy, I didn’t feel any of that. The butterfly feeling isn’t something you fake, or “grow into.” You either feel it for them or you don’t.
My initial thoughts were, am I throwing away a great opportunity? He’s great on paper. However, great on paper does not mean great he’s for me. Sure, he checks all the boxes like I said, but there was still no tingle. I didn’t feel excited when I spoke to him. Feeling nothing when having thoughts of sharing myself with him. Eventually, I felt like I was leading him on, which to me is a horrible thing to do to someone. I was still dating because we have never established an official relationship. This is when I met guy #2
Guy number two was cute, funny, creative, and did I mention he was Jamaican and British? Our first date was on my school’s campus and we walked around playing Pokémon Go. It was right before Christmas as well, so we even attended a Christmas festival they hosted nearby. We held hands and just vibed the entire night.We spent zero dollars and the night was amazing. Still to this day, I count a night under the stars catching Pokémon and battling for Poke gym dominance. It had to be the best date I have ever had. I felt an instant connection with guy number 2 and that raised a red flag for me.
From the moment I talked to guy number two on the phone, I felt that spark. He was hitting all the boxes on my requirement list. He was okay with the fact that I am a single parent which is a plus. He could hold an interesting conversation in person or on the phone. Plus, we had similar taste in music and love movies and video games.
After continually to date guy number two, I had decided that I needed to let the first guy know that I was interested in someone else. It was not fair to either guy to be dating both of them. I felt soon, they would want a relationship. The feeling was HORRIBLE, especially because I did it over text. I think about guy number one every now and then and how my decision affected everything. Especially since the situation-ship with the British guy fell apart. I continue to think about what if I chose differently. Maybe the luck with guy #2 was karma for turning down guy #1. Guy #1 was a great guy and the guy everyone cheered for you to be with. All of these thoughts used to circle my head until eventually, I realized. that I did the right thing.
It would have been cruel and selfish for me to date someone I was not 100% interested in. Our relationship would have ended relatively quickly because I just didn’t feel it. Even if I didn’t choose guy #2, I was not as invested in growing into a relationship like he was. In the long run, it was better for me to break things off when everything was new than to lead him on.
So often society tries to make us feel bad for not choosing the guy who looks good on paper. Sure he looks like Mr. Right in black and white yet, he was not right for me and I was not right for him. It’s okay to turn down a good guy when you know you do not have mutual feelings for him. This does not make you any less deserving of a great relationship with the right guy for you. I know my nerdy, Afro-centric, creative, and goal driven man is out there. I just need to wait, until I am ready to swipe right again.